emotional release
Oct. 24th, 2004 05:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
likethebeerGot a call yesterday from a friend of a friend for a friend. The FOAFOAF wants a "rustic cabin" in which to propose to his g-friend. mda's cabin came up. I believe I said something like, "well, might as well have someone proposed to at the fucking cabin, as it's certainly never going to be me." The word fuck was further used in that sentence but I can't remember where. This led to about 2 hours of nonstop crying. It was just a shock. I have to deal w/people I know getting engaged and I'm happy for them, and I hide my bitterness and disappointment. Now I have people I don't even know getting engaged, and it still hits me. When mda came downstairs when I was about 1/2 hour into it, he said, "is there anything I can do?" That led to some major wailing. "is there anything I can do..." yeah, bub... It was actually quite funny as I stood there crying at the door, coffee in hand. Him, totally confused and just waking up, and me just a sopping, snotty mess.
I told him (between the crying) that had I known 7 years ago... I don't know what I would have done. I told him I do the calculations in my head of my chances of ever having a kid. That the answer I gave my mom 2+ years ago when she told me, "you're running out of time," was, "it's too late." This in part because I've done the equation in my head of how long and what it would take if he and I broke up to get over him to even start to think about another relationship, let alone what kind of chances I would have of loving somebody else and possibly getting married (you think some guy's going to really be up for a serious relationship--or any relationship--w/a woman who's never been married in her late 30s? It's the classic scenario that every man in this culture knows to avoid.) I told him a lot more things that I don't really remember. I said, "1 of the great things about you is that you know me. But you don't know this."
Talk, talk, talk. There were some things we talked about improving. And he was actually very sweet, sitting down next to me and holding me while I cried some more.SometimesMost times when this has happened, he gets defensive and moves away, letting me sit there and wail on my own. Still, there's no marriage in sight. sigh. Please don't tell me just to get married, or just to leave him. It's never been that simple, apparently. At least not for me.
I told him (between the crying) that had I known 7 years ago... I don't know what I would have done. I told him I do the calculations in my head of my chances of ever having a kid. That the answer I gave my mom 2+ years ago when she told me, "you're running out of time," was, "it's too late." This in part because I've done the equation in my head of how long and what it would take if he and I broke up to get over him to even start to think about another relationship, let alone what kind of chances I would have of loving somebody else and possibly getting married (you think some guy's going to really be up for a serious relationship--or any relationship--w/a woman who's never been married in her late 30s? It's the classic scenario that every man in this culture knows to avoid.) I told him a lot more things that I don't really remember. I said, "1 of the great things about you is that you know me. But you don't know this."
Talk, talk, talk. There were some things we talked about improving. And he was actually very sweet, sitting down next to me and holding me while I cried some more.
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It's never been that simple
Date: 2004-10-24 10:50 pm (UTC)Re: It's never been that simple
Date: 2004-10-24 10:57 pm (UTC)hear from you.
Date: 2004-10-24 11:04 pm (UTC)have you both disscussed other options, within in the relationship,..o.o
(of course i only know bits of it)
Re: hear from you.
Date: 2004-10-24 11:07 pm (UTC)the other option,
Date: 2004-10-24 11:15 pm (UTC)sorry your hurtin though,.o.0
Re: the other option,
Date: 2004-10-25 12:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:12 pm (UTC)Maybe you could consider marriage counselling?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 03:02 am (UTC)You are an amazing woman, and you deserve the life you want.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 05:10 am (UTC)Y'know, I wasn't big on the whole marriage thing, but it was really, really important to Jackie. I knew I wanted to be with her forever, so I did it. Pretty small favour in the end.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:23 pm (UTC)He hates to see me this sad, but he won't move in any direction he doesn't want to w/me. So it's just banging against a brick wall, most times.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:39 pm (UTC)His excuse seems downright petulant.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:53 pm (UTC)And then there's just the feeling like I'd be good enough for marriage. I hate this feeling like I'm just shy of good enough. "Sorry, I'll fuck you, but I won't go so far as to go through a ceremony and sign a piece of paper for you." G-dammit, I just want it; and what's the big f-ing deal?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:57 pm (UTC)Well, what I meant by your hangup on marriage.. why is it so important to you?
Y'know, what are the common-law laws where you're living. You may be married.. or illegally cohabitating.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 01:07 pm (UTC)Thank goodness people have stopped asking me for the most part when we're going to get married (and it always seemed to be me, not him). I love that. Standing at a party and someone says that in a really cheery voice, sometimes with a "is there some reason why you guys aren't married?"... wtf am I supposed to say? The last time someone did that, I pointed to mda across the room and was practically yelling at the questioner, "Ask him!" and the guy just chuckled about it. But I don't take it lightly. It f-ing screws me up.
Um, the common law used to be 7 years cohabitating (which would be 4 years from now); however, I was told by someone that that's not true anymore.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 01:13 pm (UTC)It certainly seems a frustrating situation, and I guess I don't understand why MDA would make you so miserable when it seems so easy a fix.
Is he like this about green beans too?
An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:16 pm (UTC)It took me a long time to realize he's the most stubborn person I've ever met. Funny thing is, that around people he doesn't know v.well, he'll seemingly bend to their will (it's a coping mechanism he's learned from dealing w/his dad). Around me, no. I think those 2 responses are tied together.
Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:22 pm (UTC)Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:25 pm (UTC)Relationship-wise, we're pretty well put together. It's got all the good stuff. Our money relationship, though (w/the outside world), could do w/some maaajor tweaking. At least we both know it.
oh, and I'm always up for more sex.
Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:27 pm (UTC)Where were you 10 years ago? haha!
Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:32 pm (UTC)I saw a comedian once who said, "Everyone in the world, no matter how much money they make, could always do w/$45 more a week. They think, 'Oh, man, if I just had $45 more a week, I'd be set.'" I totally subscribe to that philosophy.
Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 01:59 pm (UTC)Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 02:08 pm (UTC)Re: An easy fix
Date: 2004-10-25 02:09 pm (UTC)Common law is sometimes lovely...
Date: 2004-10-25 05:50 pm (UTC)Re: Common law is sometimes lovely...
Date: 2004-10-25 05:52 pm (UTC)Re: Common law is sometimes lovely...
Date: 2004-10-25 06:37 pm (UTC)As an aside, I'm all for not getting married, common law works for me, but it seems I'm more like a guy in that regard.
Re: Common law is sometimes lovely...
Date: 2004-10-25 06:42 pm (UTC)common law marriage
Date: 2004-10-25 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 04:14 pm (UTC)Virtual hugs *can* really help, especially when given in the proper dose!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 04:26 pm (UTC)You grow up thinking you're your own woman, then all of the sudden you have urges for things that seem so... retro. It's a little surprising, to say the least!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 04:44 pm (UTC)Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm always battling the women's libber in me with the part of me that just wants a house with a picket fence, 2 kids, a dog, and a loving husband.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 05:13 pm (UTC)