emotional release
Oct. 24th, 2004 05:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
likethebeerGot a call yesterday from a friend of a friend for a friend. The FOAFOAF wants a "rustic cabin" in which to propose to his g-friend. mda's cabin came up. I believe I said something like, "well, might as well have someone proposed to at the fucking cabin, as it's certainly never going to be me." The word fuck was further used in that sentence but I can't remember where. This led to about 2 hours of nonstop crying. It was just a shock. I have to deal w/people I know getting engaged and I'm happy for them, and I hide my bitterness and disappointment. Now I have people I don't even know getting engaged, and it still hits me. When mda came downstairs when I was about 1/2 hour into it, he said, "is there anything I can do?" That led to some major wailing. "is there anything I can do..." yeah, bub... It was actually quite funny as I stood there crying at the door, coffee in hand. Him, totally confused and just waking up, and me just a sopping, snotty mess.
I told him (between the crying) that had I known 7 years ago... I don't know what I would have done. I told him I do the calculations in my head of my chances of ever having a kid. That the answer I gave my mom 2+ years ago when she told me, "you're running out of time," was, "it's too late." This in part because I've done the equation in my head of how long and what it would take if he and I broke up to get over him to even start to think about another relationship, let alone what kind of chances I would have of loving somebody else and possibly getting married (you think some guy's going to really be up for a serious relationship--or any relationship--w/a woman who's never been married in her late 30s? It's the classic scenario that every man in this culture knows to avoid.) I told him a lot more things that I don't really remember. I said, "1 of the great things about you is that you know me. But you don't know this."
Talk, talk, talk. There were some things we talked about improving. And he was actually very sweet, sitting down next to me and holding me while I cried some more.SometimesMost times when this has happened, he gets defensive and moves away, letting me sit there and wail on my own. Still, there's no marriage in sight. sigh. Please don't tell me just to get married, or just to leave him. It's never been that simple, apparently. At least not for me.
I told him (between the crying) that had I known 7 years ago... I don't know what I would have done. I told him I do the calculations in my head of my chances of ever having a kid. That the answer I gave my mom 2+ years ago when she told me, "you're running out of time," was, "it's too late." This in part because I've done the equation in my head of how long and what it would take if he and I broke up to get over him to even start to think about another relationship, let alone what kind of chances I would have of loving somebody else and possibly getting married (you think some guy's going to really be up for a serious relationship--or any relationship--w/a woman who's never been married in her late 30s? It's the classic scenario that every man in this culture knows to avoid.) I told him a lot more things that I don't really remember. I said, "1 of the great things about you is that you know me. But you don't know this."
Talk, talk, talk. There were some things we talked about improving. And he was actually very sweet, sitting down next to me and holding me while I cried some more.
