feeling weird and huge
Jan. 3rd, 2005 07:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
likethebeerI've worked a little on the essay. I had some really good stuff going in the beginning, and it faded all the sudden. I need to listen to people read very good short stories, I suppose, so that I can hear the voice in my head. But if I have to imagine a voice, does that mean I have one? In a writerly sense, of course.
I'm both ready and not ready to go back to work (the day after tomorrow).
What's weird is that I have the feeling right now like I've got too much adrenaline in me with nowhere to go. A burning all over my body feeling. Not really burning like I'm having a heart attack or anything really scary and bad, I just feel very sensitive. I feel very sensitive over a lot of things the last week or so. Maybe it's the time of the month. I know it partially has to do w/the time of the year. I'm jumpy. I'm feeling huge, I suppose, in that narcissistic way that I have. I'll explain. I went to WI-C & jujupees' place on Saturday and I felt like everyone could tell that I was a miserable mo-fo. We had freezing rain all day and so we were ensconced in their house while they played good hosts to us all. And I thought that I should leave at points so I didn't infect everyone w/my huge aura of whatever, but it was ok.
Ok, and there were, at points, 4 children running up and down the halls screaming in their kid way and it was fun to sit there in the middle and watch them in a line, running back and forth yelling, "Monster!" And we saw _Dodgeball_, kind of liked it, and _Jackass_. I should have liked it, but didn't as much as I should have. They should have done a better job w/the wedgies, I think. Still, it's difficult not to laugh when WI-C's laughing. Those two are the most gracious hosts.
What else. We tried to introduce jaaladay to Homestar Runner, and Strong Bad, but it wasn't the right venue--I hope she gives him a try again. There was a balancing contest on one of those big exercise balls. I never made it past 5 seconds, but my guy made it almost 10 minutes, while jujupees set the first major challenge against mda's 3 minutes, with a 5 & 1/2 minute go. There was major good food, and even though I didn't have a hangover thanks to our triviathon marathon the night before (we came in 9th place), eggs, biskets and gravy were the way to go, w/Bloody Mary's throughout.
Their house has its advantage for us b/c it has many gathering places. A front porch in the winter for smoking. The upstairs for sleeping, a front room where people talked and knitted, a dining room for eating, talking, knitting and looking at one of the guest's (or was it jujupees'?) little funky computer, the kitchen and nook area (excellent viewing spot for the "Monster!" runs), the living room, the basement (and jujupees' home office--which also holds a ping pong table and where the balancing ball contests started out). Oh, w/the little computer thingy, I got to see a shot of porn.
Sorry, pr0n. That word's not banned, as far as I know.
Nope, still don't like pr0n. Sorry. Sure, it will get you excited, but jeez. It's ugly. Yeah, they call it "bumping uglies" for a reason, but really. Hey, you want to watch porn, I'm totally fine w/that. You want to do anything you want w/a consenting (partner/s) adult/s, I'm totally fine with that. I may not really want to know about it (even if I do get excited with it), but I'm fine w/it. Sex is natural, everyone makes silly faces, all naked bodies are beautiful, but porn.... First I was completely disgusted, then turned on, then bored. Again, sorry. This is not written to make anyone feel bad. It's just the way I feel. And after awhile, even though I've never had sex w/a woman, I could tell so many of them were faking.
I realize that there are probably a truckload of porn stars w/a healthier attitude towards sex than me, but if you can't be honest about sex, what can you be honest about?
Anyway, that's the most interesting part of this writing, which I did not plan at all. Really, it was a 5 sec., um, shot (w/no cum shots) that got me on this trend.
I was talking about this adrenaline feeling. Again, sorry, I'm wading from the interesting to the introspectively me. The feeling reminds me of when I used to "fight" w/the ex-fiance (12 years ago). He'd yell or insinuate, I'd ask him not to yell, he'd tell me he wasn't "yelling, Keiran, I don't know where you got that idea. I'm just talking." Then he'd go off on rags at me for sometimes a half an hour. But there's nothing to set this off, not particularly. But I used to sit on the bed stratching my arms from the burning sensation as he went off. It's sort of like that, but now that I think about it, it's not. That was hotter in feeling.
This just exists. You know when you, for no reason, a piece of your skin (always on my inner forearm) just feels really sensitive, like you'd accidentally scratched it. You look for a sign of something, that you scratched it in your sleep, but there's nothing, not even a little bit of red on the skin. That's what it kind of feels like.
Maybe I should see a doctor or something.
WI-C and Jaaladay were asking me about my life on Saturday and I had to tell them things aren't great. Maybe I got more specific w/them, but not much more. Just talking about life. They sort of understood.
What happens this time of year for me is that I get the sense that my life has no meaning. That nothing I do, or think I can do, makes a difference. Well, now, the Buddhists knew this long ago, and I realize in my way that this does all have to do with a latent narcissism, as I noted before. That something I do makes a difference. That my life will improve. That I will obtain any goals. That I will become who I can be and who I am meant to be--fucking huge. But it doesn't happen, and things stay the same, or worse, if I think about it, and I just get closer & closer to death. Of course death could be 50 years away, but it could be tomorrow. The hair is graying at a disturbing rate, people. That essay should be written, that book should be better. I'm more genius than I realize most time, so why aren't I doing more with it? Why do I realize the mouse more than the genius?
I'm both ready and not ready to go back to work (the day after tomorrow).
What's weird is that I have the feeling right now like I've got too much adrenaline in me with nowhere to go. A burning all over my body feeling. Not really burning like I'm having a heart attack or anything really scary and bad, I just feel very sensitive. I feel very sensitive over a lot of things the last week or so. Maybe it's the time of the month. I know it partially has to do w/the time of the year. I'm jumpy. I'm feeling huge, I suppose, in that narcissistic way that I have. I'll explain. I went to WI-C & jujupees' place on Saturday and I felt like everyone could tell that I was a miserable mo-fo. We had freezing rain all day and so we were ensconced in their house while they played good hosts to us all. And I thought that I should leave at points so I didn't infect everyone w/my huge aura of whatever, but it was ok.
Ok, and there were, at points, 4 children running up and down the halls screaming in their kid way and it was fun to sit there in the middle and watch them in a line, running back and forth yelling, "Monster!" And we saw _Dodgeball_, kind of liked it, and _Jackass_. I should have liked it, but didn't as much as I should have. They should have done a better job w/the wedgies, I think. Still, it's difficult not to laugh when WI-C's laughing. Those two are the most gracious hosts.
What else. We tried to introduce jaaladay to Homestar Runner, and Strong Bad, but it wasn't the right venue--I hope she gives him a try again. There was a balancing contest on one of those big exercise balls. I never made it past 5 seconds, but my guy made it almost 10 minutes, while jujupees set the first major challenge against mda's 3 minutes, with a 5 & 1/2 minute go. There was major good food, and even though I didn't have a hangover thanks to our triviathon marathon the night before (we came in 9th place), eggs, biskets and gravy were the way to go, w/Bloody Mary's throughout.
Their house has its advantage for us b/c it has many gathering places. A front porch in the winter for smoking. The upstairs for sleeping, a front room where people talked and knitted, a dining room for eating, talking, knitting and looking at one of the guest's (or was it jujupees'?) little funky computer, the kitchen and nook area (excellent viewing spot for the "Monster!" runs), the living room, the basement (and jujupees' home office--which also holds a ping pong table and where the balancing ball contests started out). Oh, w/the little computer thingy, I got to see a shot of porn.
Sorry, pr0n. That word's not banned, as far as I know.
Nope, still don't like pr0n. Sorry. Sure, it will get you excited, but jeez. It's ugly. Yeah, they call it "bumping uglies" for a reason, but really. Hey, you want to watch porn, I'm totally fine w/that. You want to do anything you want w/a consenting (partner/s) adult/s, I'm totally fine with that. I may not really want to know about it (even if I do get excited with it), but I'm fine w/it. Sex is natural, everyone makes silly faces, all naked bodies are beautiful, but porn.... First I was completely disgusted, then turned on, then bored. Again, sorry. This is not written to make anyone feel bad. It's just the way I feel. And after awhile, even though I've never had sex w/a woman, I could tell so many of them were faking.
I realize that there are probably a truckload of porn stars w/a healthier attitude towards sex than me, but if you can't be honest about sex, what can you be honest about?
Anyway, that's the most interesting part of this writing, which I did not plan at all. Really, it was a 5 sec., um, shot (w/no cum shots) that got me on this trend.
I was talking about this adrenaline feeling. Again, sorry, I'm wading from the interesting to the introspectively me. The feeling reminds me of when I used to "fight" w/the ex-fiance (12 years ago). He'd yell or insinuate, I'd ask him not to yell, he'd tell me he wasn't "yelling, Keiran, I don't know where you got that idea. I'm just talking." Then he'd go off on rags at me for sometimes a half an hour. But there's nothing to set this off, not particularly. But I used to sit on the bed stratching my arms from the burning sensation as he went off. It's sort of like that, but now that I think about it, it's not. That was hotter in feeling.
This just exists. You know when you, for no reason, a piece of your skin (always on my inner forearm) just feels really sensitive, like you'd accidentally scratched it. You look for a sign of something, that you scratched it in your sleep, but there's nothing, not even a little bit of red on the skin. That's what it kind of feels like.
Maybe I should see a doctor or something.
WI-C and Jaaladay were asking me about my life on Saturday and I had to tell them things aren't great. Maybe I got more specific w/them, but not much more. Just talking about life. They sort of understood.
What happens this time of year for me is that I get the sense that my life has no meaning. That nothing I do, or think I can do, makes a difference. Well, now, the Buddhists knew this long ago, and I realize in my way that this does all have to do with a latent narcissism, as I noted before. That something I do makes a difference. That my life will improve. That I will obtain any goals. That I will become who I can be and who I am meant to be--fucking huge. But it doesn't happen, and things stay the same, or worse, if I think about it, and I just get closer & closer to death. Of course death could be 50 years away, but it could be tomorrow. The hair is graying at a disturbing rate, people. That essay should be written, that book should be better. I'm more genius than I realize most time, so why aren't I doing more with it? Why do I realize the mouse more than the genius?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
realize the mouse more than the genius
Date: 2005-01-04 02:50 am (UTC)aaaand,....
Family Values
Ringtones
Bush rocks
Cool beans
Fo' shizzle
Fucktard
Non-smoking bar
gets et duhhhnnn!
Can we take that 'off line'
Soulmate
ganked
Touch base
teh
sux0r
what happens in (x) stays in (x)
panties
flip-flop
you go girl
tsunami
WWJD
flist
h8
Re: realize the mouse more than the genius
Date: 2005-01-04 03:07 am (UTC)WWFLLWWD?
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 02:57 am (UTC)The vast majority of people on this planet just try to get enough to eat, breed and shit. The struggle is what life is all about.
In the west we don't have the same struggles, so the narcissicism does set in.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 03:12 am (UTC)As my dad says, "I'm happier when I'm losing money. When I make money, I start thinking, 'what's the meaning of life? And when I'm losing money, I realize, 'Oh, this is what my life is about. It's about making money!'" The guy may be a wank sometimes, but at least he understands himself that much and understands what his purpose is about.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 04:34 am (UTC)I also think it's this time of the year...I feel the same way all of the time. XOXO
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 03:35 pm (UTC)"I feel the same way all of the time."--aw, shiza. I remember talking to you about sunrise/sunset last year. I checked out this site: http://www.sunrisesunset.com/usa/Kansas.asp
You've already gained 6 minutes of daylight since Dec. 21.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 04:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 03:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 10:39 pm (UTC)better late than never?
Date: 2005-01-04 10:11 pm (UTC)Peace, Love, Hominy - WI-C
Re: better late than never?
Date: 2005-01-04 10:13 pm (UTC)Re: better late than never?
Date: 2005-01-05 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 03:11 pm (UTC)I think that it's ok to push yourself and try to make your life better or to "live up to your potential" et al, but you have to give yourself a break too sometimes. Not everything happens at warp speed. If you're not ready to finish the book, then you're not ready. Work on it, putz around with it, and when you're ready, release it to the world. But you have some serious things going on in your life right now. The book can wait.
It's not like you sit around all day and stare at your belly button lint. You have a job. You have a boyfriend. You have a life. A little narcissism is good. Keeps you focused on what you have to do to make yourself better. But it's all a process. You don't have to be a crazy person who has 50 million irons in the fire if you don't want to be. But if you do want this, then start small and keep going. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
I have gone over many of the same things that you're talking about time and time again and it comes down to this for me: life is what I make of it. If I want to change it, I can. It might be hard, but it's doable. And there's always a choice to be happy with the way things are or to shake them up. I am the one who decides.
Well, that's my theory at least. However, next summer around August when I feel fat and depressed, I might not remember all of this. ;) :) I need reminding sometimes. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 03:50 pm (UTC)I get this feeling several times a year (mid-spring, late summer), but winter is the worst.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-04 04:40 pm (UTC)On the sensation
Date: 2005-01-13 06:05 pm (UTC)Re: On the sensation
Date: 2005-01-13 06:57 pm (UTC)