Parents came, went

[likethebeer]

It was not an especially high impact weekend of parents, considering mom hasn't been here in 10 years. They got here at 1:30 on Saturday, left for the hotel at 9 that night, then came over at noon yesterday, and left at 8.

They didn't see too terribly much (that wasn't really the point), although mom got to see mda's cooking prowess, b/c he made dinner both nights, w/only a little help from me. He was an eager student b/c my mother gave suggestions on how he could do things (at his request).

Dad's sense of direction is getting worse. At least, around me, but the man still puts about 40,000 miles a year on his car, so he somehow gets from place to place. Maybe it's just me. "And then you'll take a left at this road coming up... a left at the road coming up... this road... yes, here."

Of course, mom just keeps having parts of her body excised, and still ends up with tumors growing in there occasionally, and I told mda on Saturday night that it horrifies me to think what will happen to my dad if my mom dies first. I used to always assume he would die first. But if she goes, the man can't take care of himself. He can't cook, he can't do laundry, he can't clean. The only reason he's not dead from hypertension or diabetes right now is that my mom controls most of his food intake. This is b/c he has absolutely no restraint when it comes to food or drink. I know, I've grown up w/the guy. I imagine that if she dies, he might be dead in a year and a half. Anyway, I don't think these thoughts are unusual in a child in their 30s.

Comments

[jaaladay.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good visit, but sad to have to think about your mom and dad's life expectancy. My friend Elizabeth is in a similar situation with her mom, who is undergoing chemo right now for Round 4 of the cancer returning.

[likethebeer.livejournal.com]

Why is it that it seems like widows would do better than widowers?

Normally I try not to engage in this, but first there was the bombshell from mom last December (the sausage-sized tumor, even though she's doing better now), and then the reason they didn't come when originally scheduled, b/c she had a pulminary "incident" I suppose you'd call it. Fluid filled up in her lungs b/c her heart valve was damaged again b/c of the chemo. Plus, her good friend Patty, who's been continuously fighting cancer for the past 3-4 years is dying, so it crept up there.

My parents have become those people that talk about their and their friends ailments sometimes for 45 minutes at a stretch.

Speaking of... good news from mda's dad, at least: he had a recent check for bone marrow cancer markers, and his blood is completely clean right now. So there's nothing lurking around in the blood about to pounce.

[scotia-girl.livejournal.com]

"Anyway, I don't think these thoughts are unusual in a child in their 30s."

Oh, good, I'm not the only one who wonders what'll happen to their parents when/if. (Is it wrong to feel relieved by this implicit sharing? I hope not.) My folks are still in good health, but they are a $500 plane ride away. I try not to think too much about the when/if. I can't quite get my mind around what you're going through, so I'm at a loss for what to say. *pleasant, happy, supportive thoughts*

[likethebeer.livejournal.com]

I think there are a lot of people who wonder--my friend in her 50s still goes through this in regards to her mom (Hi ML!). My parents are also a $500 plan ride away. Even if I went, they'd still drive me nuts in about 18 hours!

I'm not going through much right now. Mom seems to have dodged the bullet again, but I've started to make up the calculations. She was joking with my dad on Saturday that he drives her to the hospital for her things, she drives him (he's got clogged arteries), but it's been happening so much, and mom has "chemo brain" that they can't remember who's job it is this time to drive (although mom's not on chemo anymore, i don't think).

And, yeah, we're all selfish. None of us 3 kids wants to be the one who has to move back and take care of the remaining parent.

[scotia-girl.livejournal.com]

Eep. At least my mom figured out when I was still a teenager that I was putting her in a home. She said it, I just agreed.

Watching my grandmother drive both of us nuts after my grandfather died (when she short-term moved in) was enough to convince me that I was never looking after mom when she's old.

I'm an only, so if you want to talk about selfish, I think I can trump you on this one. *grin*

And I go home in 2 days; spending a week; and this will be the first time they met the SO, whom I've been with since, um, just after the last time my parents saw me (2.75 years). This will be fun.

[likethebeer.livejournal.com]

My maternal grandmother lived w/my parents for about 2 years. This is the woman who hated my mother, who then had to take care of her MIL. *shudder* We used to joke that we were sticking them in the home, but it hasn't come up since we all left for college.

On your trip home: Will there be plenty of libations? I joke that mda's parents think I'm an alcholic, b/c I start drinking as soon as socially acceptable when I'm around them.

The trip home

[scotia-girl.livejournal.com]

Dry house. Always has been. This is why we aren't bringing them a bottle of homemade mead. Baptist parents. Don't yet know I'm Wiccan. Dad smokes on the sly, I think. Yup. This'll be fun.

[likethebeer.livejournal.com]

Oh. ow. oh. ow.

[scotia-girl.livejournal.com]

Uh-huh. Expect a desperate "I can't believe I'm stuck here, she's so horrible" post half-way through the week. That, or they'll pretend like I never told them I ain't no good Christian girl anymore.

Me? I feel bad for the SO, who has to spend a week with them without alcohol, unless we hit a bar.

[em-porium.livejournal.com]

I totally understand how you feel and I live with my parents (temporarily :)).

I have always thought that my dad would just be a man adrift without my mom. We already had a major health scare with dad (but he and his previously-owned kidney are doing fine). Mom was a rock through the whole thing. She didn't sleep all that well, but she made it through.

Mom had a slight scare a year ago this past winter (still not sure what she had -- chest pains but no lung or heart trauma), and dad was a wreck when he called me to tell me the news. I was called home from grad school in New Hampshire to take care of my mom's part of the family business. I slipped into her place at home and did some of the cleaning and cooking. I went back to UNH when she was better, but I was still worried. She's fine now, but at the time, it seemed almost more worrisome than my dad's double kidney failure.

Having just come back from vacation with them and seeing how mom takes care of dad, I noticed how many things she just has at the ready -- his Epi pen for his diabetes, extra candies in case he has an episode, extra needles, water, tissues, his sunglasses, the traveler's cheques, etc., etc. It's not that he CAN'T take care of this on his own. He just doesn't.

[likethebeer.livejournal.com]

I'm usually good w/my parents until about 12 hours before their or my departure. Whether it's 2 weeks or 2 days, it works out about the same.

I don't know how my mom does w/my father's challenges. One difference between them is that he always recovers quickly and w/little pain, which I can't say about her. Maybe mothers do better b/c they've been mothers, so they slip back into what they learned w/their children when they were little.