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Dec. 24th, 2003 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
likethebeer"There's something about the holidays at this time of the year that makes me think of the end of the world," mda said to me the other day. Monday night, to be exact, the night before he set off for his parents house in Grand Rapids. That means that this is the first holiday that I can ever remember where I will not be with family members or mda, who is like a family member. Overall, I'm finding it to be an interesting situation. A tendency towards bachelor-pad eating habits mixed, this afternoon, with a frenzy of "spring" cleaning. I wish that I could discover the particular combination of mood, hormones, and amount of caffeine, that goes into these rare cleaning bacchanals (if there could ever be such an oxymoron). I believe the last one occurred 9 months ago; included in my gathering of recyclables to the curb (and leading me to wonder if the neighbors think I'm under the impression that the garbage would be picked up tomorrow), and doing laundry, I cleaned the inside of my car, broke down cardboard boxes in our garage and fussed with the depressing Christmas lights on our bushes near the front door. They had gotten quite sad. Plaintive, almost, and buried under leaves, stuck in the frozen ground in a few areas. Only half of the lights still work. I removed one whole string and tried another, but that was completely inoperable. That's what you get for $2.
Additionally, I find myself wondering what to do with the Christmas presents that have arrived inside my door today from my mother. Do I open them by myself? And that leads me to the other realization: not only is this my first Christmas alone, but, if I were to open these presents, this would be the first time I've ever opened presents alone. It is like a tree falling in a forest with no one there. What is the semiology of unwrapping a present when no other person is there to witness the interest, and possible excitement, of such an act? Is it still a present if the act of exchange is not apparent? If the emotions attached to the objects are not conveyed from one person to another, even if the other person is not the giver of the object?
Of course, I will not be completely alone tomorrow. N&M & I have a standing date at 11 am to watch the DVD of A Christmas Story, their x-mas present to me (I gave them the DVD of It's a Wonderful Life, which we watched last night). And my friend, ML, has already written me that her door is open to all foundlings. I'm looking forward to that (maybe I should bring my flute!).
In other news.... Before mda left on Tuesday morning for work (and from there to the airport at 2) I finally said what I'd been formulating for a week and a half: I asked him if we could schedule a time when he got back to talk about marriage. Yes, that's sounds pathetic. It's not talk about marriage. It is talk about talking about when to talk about marriage. But I came to the realization that one of our problems with this, discussing marriage, is that I have tended to blurt out my thoughts on the issue. At which point, mda has become immediately defensive. At least with this, he takes part in when this conversation takes place.
I long ago understood that he has a glacial view of the subject, so I will not settle for, "Let's talk about it later." The last time we talked about it, or actually yelled about it, was 16 months ago. And early January will be 4 years since I asked him to marry me (and he enthusiastically said yes, with the later amendment that "let's hold off before we tell anyone"). But. but but but. Maybe we'll get somewhere this time.
Additionally, I find myself wondering what to do with the Christmas presents that have arrived inside my door today from my mother. Do I open them by myself? And that leads me to the other realization: not only is this my first Christmas alone, but, if I were to open these presents, this would be the first time I've ever opened presents alone. It is like a tree falling in a forest with no one there. What is the semiology of unwrapping a present when no other person is there to witness the interest, and possible excitement, of such an act? Is it still a present if the act of exchange is not apparent? If the emotions attached to the objects are not conveyed from one person to another, even if the other person is not the giver of the object?
Of course, I will not be completely alone tomorrow. N&M & I have a standing date at 11 am to watch the DVD of A Christmas Story, their x-mas present to me (I gave them the DVD of It's a Wonderful Life, which we watched last night). And my friend, ML, has already written me that her door is open to all foundlings. I'm looking forward to that (maybe I should bring my flute!).
In other news.... Before mda left on Tuesday morning for work (and from there to the airport at 2) I finally said what I'd been formulating for a week and a half: I asked him if we could schedule a time when he got back to talk about marriage. Yes, that's sounds pathetic. It's not talk about marriage. It is talk about talking about when to talk about marriage. But I came to the realization that one of our problems with this, discussing marriage, is that I have tended to blurt out my thoughts on the issue. At which point, mda has become immediately defensive. At least with this, he takes part in when this conversation takes place.
I long ago understood that he has a glacial view of the subject, so I will not settle for, "Let's talk about it later." The last time we talked about it, or actually yelled about it, was 16 months ago. And early January will be 4 years since I asked him to marry me (and he enthusiastically said yes, with the later amendment that "let's hold off before we tell anyone"). But. but but but. Maybe we'll get somewhere this time.
